We believe

So this guy sits down.....

 electric chair and all..... 

hard wooden chair....

 the kind that at an antique shop would be called to have character....

and this one surely did have it...

all edges rounded with use....

wit almost a polish on the arms....

maybe it was the struggle each time....

maybe thats what did it...

all this premature maturity....

this advanced ageing....

this oldish look to a chair that was relatively new in chair-years....

it shows what purpose brings to any single dimensioned thing....

In our minds we are all innocent...

even the most evil person will have a reason....

that reason will be a convoluted justification....

that will provide an innocence...

and perhaps with it an escape into the stream of life....

then the dazed electric connections of neurons will take over....

reform your identity...

devise a strategy and revitalise your soul...

and we think we know everything...

Then he tried to talk to his chair....

a mental marathon of words...

'the crowds going wild'....

a deluded audience watching a disguised hole....

these are the times.....

when you are your only saviour...

and you want to settle down into a dream....

your last belief in a parallel world...

where everything really is fine....

hope is dying...

dying is hope....

this nauseating paradox....

Nothing changed...

the chair steadily gathered character...

no cracks in the wall appeared....

no light came shining through...

all the other dimensions collapsed into this one....

this became the new reality....

the new truth...

for now...

or so we believe...

What does a speck of dust fear most?

I am the Alpha

i dont recognise anything or anyone else

i am the number one

there is no one wiser than me

i am superman, batman, spiderman all rolled into one

there is no limit to my power

my reach is infinite

i am the homo sapien sapien sapien

i am the x man

i am the next step

i can feel everything

i am godmode

that is who i am, will be, forever.

Kyne's small hands rested on my arm as I hugged him to sleep. I felt him twitch as he descended into REM sleep, slowly. He was crouched under me, like a baby kangaroo, in my pouch. I could feel his heart beat within his chest in my palm. I could feel him breathe, every breath, as he was entering his dreamworld, colourful, full of imaginative funny beings talking baby-talk...

i didnt want to let go.... but i had done my job... he was asleep... it was time to get up and do some mundane task to continue living...

but they are leaving day after tomorrow....

What does a speck of dust fear most?

it fears being a speck of dust

me, the ever strong, the all powerful, the unkillable...

felt like a speck of dust...

all my magnitude...

dissolved into a singularity....

in the embrace of a two-year-old....

David made Goliath...

I am still who i am...

as enormous as i am...

but i am a composition....

the best, most unique song ever,

but made of many notes and pauses....

Heisenberg's Uncertainty is the Principle

  

On Uzbeks

Uzbeks came a slight surprise to me......
i thought i was going abroad........
abroad to me emant caucasians........as they do to most people living in the warped reality of the third world.......
so when i came out of the airport at tashkent........and was driven to the hostel..........all i saw on the streets were the uzbeks.....
the plan was for me to stay there for 6 years and finish my medicine.......
the city was good.....clean..........but the uzbeks were almost a disappointment.......just because i wasnt expecting them there.......
and it is so easy.......as i sit and think in retrospect now..........to project your misery on an unsuspecting population......whats even more revolting is that the cause of your own misery might be your own ignorance.......and your inability to read about the people and place before you go there......

something that in my later years highly appreciated the russians to be endowed with..........so well read and well aware were the russians of most parts of the world........possibly a result of the communist upbringing and all that........

anyhow.....to get back to tashkent......so there i was........taken to the hostel and dumped there.........for a few days........while my admission got sorted......into the language course and all that......

i distinctly remember being given the room 811........small.......with a funny bathroom with a small square 'bathtub'........which was only ankle deep........no curtains around it.......so it couldnt be a shower........and it stood on high legs above the floor.........unlike a bathtub.......

its nice to go back all these years..........because.......now i realise......we lived there for a year.......and nover got down to solving what was the best way to use that bathtub...........there must have been a way.........that you were expected to shower in it......without spilling a drop........and still be comfy..........i mean i hope there must have been a way.......but i was amazingly so preoccupied with the life of the times........that i didnt think i needed to get to the bottom of this mystery..........then i think to me it must have been more like.......this is what i have got..........improvise and go on...........no time to pause and enquire into its history and make good use of it.........very military survival approach, i had, i suspect.......

i used to wear a turban then with all the regalia of being a sikh.......so i was easily noticed.....and next will be my experience with uzbek food.....

Tashkent airport

it was probably the airport.......clean and pristine.........and it was november when i went......

i was 18......turbaned, bearded, bespectacled, and the world was more eaceful than it was today.......

i had never been outside india, never been on a plane, never been to russia, never known russian, and certainly didnt have a medical degree.....

but i was going to tashkent......ex soviet union.......not russia really......mum was in tears.....dad was okay..........so much uncertainty........and little bit of fear.......much more for them then for me........

its always easier for the one who is leaving...........adrenaline rush.......the 'what going to happen' happenning.........those who get left behind are the ones who suffer........

same old house......same old routine......only one person less.......one life less.....one worry more....that part of the deal really sucks........

oblivious to all that depression,......buzzing with ecitement.........was me at the airport......all set to go......i had too much luggage.......books......noodles.....soaps........for the whole year!!!.......and it was 1994.....

i dont remember anything special about the flight.........it was only 2 hours...........i loved it.......it was awsome ..........the only one thing that puzzelled me was the blue button.....

like all boys filled with intrigue when you see any panel of buttons......there was abundance os such oppotrtunities on the plane.......everywhere there were these clusters of lights and buttons.....and obviously.....they have signs on them...........global village.......languanges dont work......

so i went to the toilet.....and there was a button for everything......if i were from a backward village in orissa.....i would have been overwhelmed by the leap in technology.......but coming from an upwardly mobile class........the buttons/latches were fascinating........

so i got it all.......the latch to the door....connected to the toilet lights......the flush worked by vacuum only with the seat was down........the tap, soap towel etc........all good......

but then there was the blue button.......square......shiny.....translucent.....rich blue..........and it had the face of a girl on it.......

like......the profile of a girl......the hair face and neck.......embossed onto the switch.......in white.......

very interesting.........i didnt dare press it........i couldnt imagine what it was for........and where there is ignorance........myth takes over.......so it had something to do with girls.......so i thought maybe something to do with girlie stuff.........and my knowledge of the female species was at best = microscopic........so maybe connected to the providence of sanitary towels......or other such things.....which i didnt know there were......but maybe there were.......and i just didnt know......

so i just resigned the blue button to a function i presumed i didnt need to know.....so i went back to my seat..........and then all through the flight........i saw the blue button in many places.........some blatantly obviously placed......

only after 2-3 flights did i realise that the girl symbol meant a flight attendant......but anyhow.........we reached tashkent.......and with this mystery in my mind.........i stepped on the tarmac at tashkent airport......

2017

nasa plans to have the next lunar manned mission by 2020
russians plan to do it by 2017
how exciting is that?

these lunar manned missions arent going to be just play around and click pictures to send to earth.....
its the real deal this time.....

this time......we are talking lunar colonies.....

we are going there to stay.....

the international space station will be the transit camp......

and from there......to the lunar base......
the aim is to harvest energy...... helium3 for instance...........for earth......

8 nyears to go.........i will be 40ish......

i hope they will need medics........my russian background will be useful......
i hope i make it......

8 years to ensure fitness,......but ti should be fun......

iraq and afghanistan.....their only purpose is to keep the economy running.....

we all know how useful war is.....
how civil companies get military contracts and manufacturing needs at a colossal scale.......

which brings employment.......and the monetry cycle continues to be in circulation.....

in fact.......if i were a world leader and i could convince my population to wage a war.......the best people to wage it on would be some kind of aliens......who you can neither communicate properly with.......nor completely understand.......

therefore you can continue with your war in blissful ignorance.......and it is difficult to challenge the illusions of right and wrong.......

like tarantino films........confuse the audience and get the money.....

so iraq and agstan are good coontenders.........so far removed from our reality......that fighting a war with them for them becomes so hopelessly tangled that you want to leave it to your politicians and hope they know what bthey are doing.........now i wonder.....

but so is life........the unemployment of the post 1st world war depression gave us people who were willig to go towar...........and some opportunist maniacs with powers of pursuation........

but the war was good.......it took care of the depression.........and growth after that was phenomenal.......war is so good sometimes.......

i wonder if the dying soldier in foriegn fields these dsays realises all the complexities resulting in his sad demise.........

i think those times are gone when you fought for your king, flag and country......when death came in combat and you embraced and were hailed a hero.......

now you would die confused........i would die confused.......wondering if it was worth it.......i think that the only rationale behind enlisting these days would be the regular pay..........how it sucks.....

schindlers list was quite moving......
the most moving thing is how easily we can go along with the most unimaginable brutality only if we are given a cause delivered with enough force.....
the kids throwing stones at jews and all that.......
it probably still happens somewhere.....between some people.....
under a differrent name......
for a differrent rreason......
but human nature is so susceptible to hate......
all it needs is a little spark......and a convincing argument......
and thats all it takes......
roger waters rightly calls ourselves sheep.....
amd in that respect........in his i-hate-everybody stance..........i have less dislike for the dogs and the pigs from his album animals.......
because at least the dogs and the pigs are following an agenda........the sheep have to blamed for their inactivity.........i find that most repulsive.....
but on the other hand.......majority people are like that......
and if we think democratically..........and also statistically........being a sheep would be the norm......
ugh.......what a depressing deduction........

unfortunately.........insight and thought........are probably the most underused human resource.....
of the 7 billion population.......i think only 10% do any real thinking that influences decisions.......
i am persistently faced with the perplexing notion......that is it even reasonable to expect all of humanity to haveopinions on most things??

when i was in russia.......i was actually impressed by the intellectually rich populace in general......you could meet a carpenter who knew a lot about the world and arts and sciences......

i found the same story in sweden........perhaps to an increased degree if anything.....

but the new generation is always worrying......

at 30 something......like a typical aging bastard.......i am slowly dissociating myselg with the young generation i have belonged to so far........
and settelling into the comfortable seat of a mature garbag who is always grumpy and discontent at everyhting......

anyhow.......i dont think india with all its burden of population comes even close to the level of intellect you find reasonably dispersed within its people.......

and i dont think that its because of the people themselves........its the circumstance........poverty feeds on prosperity.........
i have been there.........from struggling between a handful of money to remaining honest and being happy..........very difficult goals to meet........while i still strove and suceeded to keep my intellectual reserves perfused in provocative thinking.........i could only do that because i had been primed to do that over the years as i grew......

to expect the same of every other individual is unfair........
so how could have thomas jefferson have been right?
when he said that you can not make decisions for your fellow citizens.........if you think they are not capable of doing so..........it is wrong to make their decision for them.,.......but its your duty to provide them with the knowledge and ability to make that decision.......

contradiction ........

idiot prayer

its not asy being at the height of your creative potential
especially if you believe yourself to write better than you actually do.....
but i have been awake now for......almost 36 hours.........i have slept 2 hours in between.....but still........at thirty something, i can claim to be tired.....
the night was good.......
it might seem that my satisfaction feeds on other peoples sufferring......
but its not that way.....
its actually the satisfaction of relieving someones misery that makes the night good......

but the high point is that i dont sleep anymore at nights.....
i take it as work...........
2 years ago in a similar situation, i used to try to save the day by getting 4 hours of sleep on a night shift.....
and my loyalty got divided........

not any more.........i will be starting a reg post in august.......
i have got to make the mark........
dr m ali has some faith in me..........that is very rewarding.....
she can go up and leave me to handle the labour ward........
i enjoy that........
i dont know when i will do a minor blunder and break her illusion of my capabilities.......for that is the environment around me in this useless place.......

let me add natasha here.......as we sit in this little house in colchester court......
i am on the carpet........she is on the sofa........
i am writing this blog............so that in 20 years.......i can read these frustrations and laugh..........mostly at my impatience.......
natasha ......on the other hand...........is concerned with more immediate issues.......
she is vigourously searching for an ideal home........
incessantly over the last few weeks.........
coming up weith suggestions.......booking appointments.......doing viewings........
and then one of us rejects them......
but her spirit is unrelenting..........she is so good......

and in her zeal.......she is forcing me to agree to a house which has only one toilet.......
how can i do that..........
amy has inherited my bowel........
and the suddenness with which it goes in to motion........
how can we just have one toilet........and then we have guests.......
it just wouldnt work........
but natasha want a house........and quick........
she feels the sands of time.........slipping through her fingers........
and i love her..........so if she keeps asking me.......i might give in.........and then for the next many years be confined to one toilet.......

but she is sparky........now that i ahve explained this point to her.......i dont think she will keep on......

so there we are with our house hunt......we are listening to oldies.......so it sets the mood quite well.........
and its 11........we ought to go to bed.........
this sleep deprivation is not good for me.......

i did 2 manual removals........
it was cool......
my surgucal skills are awsome.....
it was 6 am........and i was cool as a cucumber......
if there was music......i could have sung to it......
how i enjoy thee surgical procedures........
the big thing is that i believe i am almost the best......
i dont as much as i do in what i write........in fact.......i think my writing is very mediocre.........almost nauseatingly banal......with occasional conscious efforts of gleaming creativity which stand out among the muck.......and give the false impression that all is good......

but my sirgery.........is a differrent ball game..........even in this infancy of my career........i can see the hidden brilliance awaiting recognition.........haha..........sadly..........such opportunities might tno come...............in todays world............exceptional talents might get shadowed by the life machine......firstly i am not an established exceptional yet.........and when i do........if i do........i have to sieze the lightening when it cracks down from the clouds.........

this thing that i wanted to invent for ovarian laparoscopic surgery........i wrote to the company thast makes instruments.......saying i have in idea.........no one replied.......

but while i was writing..........my mind went to a parellel universe where an agent from the company came to see me.......i explained the idea.........he assured me progress.......came back with a prototype.......and i perfected it a little.........and eventually.....patented the intrument on my name...........and got royalties for it each time a hospital bought it...........

and then when i went for my interview next year.........they said they are giving me a number even before i sit for the interview........and that i was an asset to wales.........and there was a university get together .........where i basked in the glory of my achievement..........

i keep making trips to these parellel universes.......where i am big........what a narcissistic personality..........its toxic.........if i were not as funny as i am.........i think people would find me deplorable.........but in reality i am very affable......

its a real quest for me...........to find out if i will ever reach as far as i believe i will reach........
life is such an interesting thing.........there is so little time........ i hope death is just a cheap joke they play...........perhaps like the matrix or something..........or maybe we live in a world like the truman show........on a global scale........everybody is innocent.......and the real story is outside the bounds of earthly perception........

carry that thought one more step and we are verging on theology.........and faith and all the higher power dogma........

naaah.......i dont like that.........i like that territory and the scientific territory...........i dont like when the two start to merge.......and the boundries get faint.........and you are forced to think that their margins might overlap..........

these keyboards are amazing things.........
espite my best efforts over the last ten years............my touch typing speed is about 10 mmmmmmaybe 20 words per minute.....
so i have to look at it when i type..........
but the fluency with which a simple keyboard can give tangible shape to your smoky thoughts is amazing............like some notion that you carry in your mind gets converted into neat little words with letters which have finite shape..........which you can print and hold...........
the whole transformation is amazing........

as someone had said........any sufficiently advanced science is indistinguishable from magic.......

and on that note........we'll bid you adieu.......but if what they say around here is true........then well meet again...........me and you

enjoy work?

they say there is a recession....
i dont know anythingnaboutit
....i spent royally this christmas.......
electronics.......and it was so much fun......

hdtv first....
here are the rresults of my extensive research
along with the logic i applied.....
you can makew your own opinions....

assumption number 1
the tv i am going to buy is going to last me or at least 4-5 years.......i mightnot want to afford another one.....

therefore........i would like to buy one which as good as it can get for the amount of money i got........so we will try to get one with top specs.....

so i got down to finding out......

now initially they said that in the hdtv industry, the more you pay the more you get....
dont believe it...

if you are going to buy an hdtv today and you want it to last you some time, here are a few things you have to know...

lcd is more expensive than a plasma
lcd is more energy effecient than a plasma
lcd is lighter than a plasma
lcd is better for well lit or sunlit rooms

so these are a few soft pointers
now for some hard ones

if you plan to use your pc with your tv ----only LCD will do
if you are going to watch only sports/fast moving scenes/ gaming ----- plasmas are better

i went for lcd

only buy a 100hz lcd. nothing less
it might be a little expensive, it is an important update you should have

then it just comes down to looks

i went for a 40 inch 100hz lcd tv

the biggest name in the game is sony
they are the ones all experts compared all other tvs to
i didnt find them attractive...... but suppose that if you dont mind the looks and you can afford them, as they are the most expensive too.....go for it ... you cant go wrong....

i didnt and couldnt......so i looked further

all others were pretty much the same.....

toshibas were probably the next best in terms of reviews......
lgs were just about alright.....
samsungs were supposed to be good.........but some ratings were 6.5/10.........and the general impression was tat looks were better than the product delivered......

sharp/phillips and some others were few........and not much choice in the models.......especially in cardiff.......so i didnt dig deep into them......

i thought i will go for an lg......my mum has got a plasma........and its good.....
but then on reading expert reviews realised that my mums tv had a dead pixel........and thats no good.......so my impression fell a bit.........but now i can compare, the remote control was better on the lg then the samsung i eventually bought.....

anyhow..........i didnt like the toshibas........looks are a big thing for me.........much to natashas annoyance........

then i researched and researched.........and found out that a particular model of samsung.......the le656a...........is a cool thing.........some more research......and then i went for it.......

review.......samsung 40le656a

very good looking.....
very good results to my humble third-world eyes......
excellent communication with pc.....
switching between source inputs was much easier and faster on the lg of my mums than it is here...........but overall very good.......

its just 2 days........so dont know yet........but i will update.......


and by the way.......if there was anyone who read my previous post and threw away their iphone covers.........i really apologise......

the day after i wrote that essay.......my wife dropped my iphone and now it had an ugly tiny bump on one corner of the ceramic.........sad.........but everything has to die someday.........then why not the iphone too??

all through the writing of this post i listened to ELOY........an album called Dawn.....probably one of their first......very good

Cover your iphone??? Why?

should you cover your iphone?
the uger to cover your iphone into some ugly packing,
or rarely, a cover that cant enhance, but alters the perception of the iphone substantially, perhaps better to say that it distorts,
comes from the primitive view of people to protect glass....
i think a smooth surface that serves some purpose becomes fragile by default...
and then our human intellect reflexly wants to prove its dominance over it by wrapping it up....

i believe that those who want to cover their iphone fall into 2 categories....
ignorant.......and insecure.....
we will take the ignorants first....
ignorants are the modernists........they know what is happenning.........and so they say.....a little knowledge is a dangerous thing......
the fear ignorants have is this..........the phone has no buttons........therefore the only mode of communication with the machine.....
therefore......if the screen becomes insensitive to their touch........the machine will will become a paperweight.....and an expensive one........compared to what you can get in the market.....
so......you have to ensure that the screen is always sensitive.......
then they deduce that it responds to touch........therefore.....if something rubs against it all the time......the machine will be forced to respond.......and either it will be hung in a life of persistent response.........or.........it will get tired and give up..........becoming more and more stubborn with time.......
therefore....cover it...........it will be protected against anything touching it all the time........and will give me a life of super touch sensitivity for years and years.......

but thats a misconception......
iphone works on synaptic technology.........unlike the PDAs of billion months ago...........which needed 'pressure' of a tap for the screen to respond...........this screen is built differrently.......
it works on the transfer of electrons from you skin.......those electrons jump from our fingertips and excite the screen...........and so it responds.....
therefore.....if you put it your pocket uncovered..........as far as the screen is concerned........nothing is touching it.....even though tightly packed between your papers, pen and keys......
so covering it to prolong its sensitivity is plain ignorance........

now lets go to the insecure ones......
the insecure ones want to protect their phone.........from scratches.......smudges.....spills.....cracks.....sorrow......tears..........and bad girlfriends......
the logic is simple...........cover it......and it will look like new.......for ever and ever........
perhaps its this desire of things for ever and ever that makes us do things in general......
well.........it will be like new............but it definately wont look like new............because you cant look at it anyway..........its covered....isnt it?
fact no. 1.........in 2 years time..........iphone will be history........by 2011........iphone will be the thing of billions and billions of months ago.......
thats the way we do things these days.....
fact no 2..........nothing looks better on a beautiful body than its own skin................most covers are plain ugly........very few are passable if not insulting............but they completely change what the iphone stands for.............
so why cover it............its at its most beautiful when its naked........keep it that way.........and scratches......well..........life is too short......if its insured......thats as far you can go for protection.........more then that is obsession...............in fact......the only argument i can think of for covering it is when it is all scratched..........

to conclude..........i dont understand why people cover their iphones......
and i want to urge everyone to throw away all their covers and use iphones as they came.


(now that i have calssified humanity of the basis of their attitudes towards the aesthetics of their phones, i might also add that all of the above was just a christmas-day-at-work-so-lets-kill-time way of putting my dying lexicon through the oiling machine.......)

}during the writing of this post-renaissance retro metro essay, my ears provided excellent nourishment to my multithinking brain by the music of Jethro Tull, Michael Schenker, Hans Raj Hans, and some obscure bollywood music.{

reaching india

my dear friends........how are you all......i was perkier than i am now when i sat down to write..........but going through the mail has taken away my energy......so you all might feel the drowsiness showing through on occasion.......

for those who didnt know.........i am on a night shift........and there seems to be an hour of inactivity.......
the trip to india was fantastic.........me vik and sumit had shitloads of fun.......so it was awsome........i am sure all of us have good memories form the whole thing......

i was going to write more elaborate letters.......which i will in due course........this one is just to open the conversation.......

there is quite a lot of stress at work these days..........lots of peer pressure........people are making a lot of progress around me.....research and all......at the cutting edge of developments........i feel a bit left behind..........so i am all geared up to get back to the same level..........i have my appraisal in a week..........so i am going to weep and cry over there that i am not getting enough opportunity and all that............and there is a lot of paperwork involved..........so i am upto my nose with sickness filling out forms and gettint them signed etc..........its so so painful..........part of life......

so anyway.......

the trip to india.......

it was very refreshing.......

i got three weeks leave.......which is a lot in this part of the world.......more than i will ever get perhps..........so that was a good start......

we drove down to london......stayed overnight at rompys place in hounslow.....
and took the flight next morning.......to india.......
the bleeding taxi cost me 18 pounds.........whcih made me think perhaps it would have been cheaper to drive down to the airport in my own car and park in the long stay parking/..........it might have come cheaper.......anyhow........not that bad.....

lufthansa flight to frankfurt was 2 hours........initially i was sad at a transit flight..........but then it turned out great........amy got to play about a bit at thew airport..........and we shpoeed some souvenirs........then we went onward to delhi..........the plane was old, the food was rubbish......but the pilot was good........excellent landing.......
i just love the flying and all that........

we reached delhi at midnight or something........giggs was there to get us........the taxi got stuck in traffic.........so we hung around at the airport...........then boarded the taxi and started off for chandigrah......

even before the immigration check.......at the igi airprt.........you could smell india.......its a strange smell.........i can actually smell it as i write.........its distinct.......not unpleasant or anything.........neutral smell.........but differrent........i can smell it and tell blindfolded that its india........even in the air con environment of the airport insides........

anyway.........the ride back home in the taxi doing perilous driving was usual.........we talked for a bit........any went to sleep in the back seat.........and we tried to ..........but for me it was a fruitless excercise.........we stopped in one place for tea........indian tea..........and i gave a toss to bisleri water............and had a full glass of indian tea.........proper roadside tea.......boiled to the point of sterilisation.........it was yum.....
and then carried on.........we reached home at 6 or 7...........amy was still asleep..........and once we reached........all the exhaustion disappeared.........we were fresh again........unlike houses here in uk.......indian houses are open......that was the feeling i got..........i think its because of the jaali ke darwaazey.........so in a way you feel more earthy.........
lot of hustle bustle.......one helper to do the dishes.....another to clean the house......and 6 of us in the family........

anyway we washed etc and dozed off..........i was good to keep my calm......i didnt call anyone......just thought i will unwind.......and in due time...........give a ring......


now i am sleepy........i will write to you tomorrow what happenned........how we all met etc.........it was a fun experience.....




www.sosphere.blogspot.com

the star in perigee

mr rogers couldnt kill me.....

i think he tried.......

and i think he thinks he did.....

but he couldnt.....

i dont know if thats good or bad.......

maybe he should have......

but he didnt.......

time will tell me.....

he ensured that i felt like shit......

and i think he was very prejudiced......

a person given the authority he did should be neutral......

 i dont think he was......

and so.........i think he founf it a good opportunity.....

in a way it makes me feel good......

the low life that i am......

i was the thorn on his side......

or more like the bead under his mattress......

but unfortunately its all quite serious......

the stakes are very high......

 my future depends on it.......

and now he is in the position to dictate his terms......

so if in 2009 he is one of the interviewees for st3.......

i will have had it......

becuase i dont think he if the kind who forgive and forget......

he might forget but not forgive........

and i will be ther5e to remind him of me......

right at the interview desk.......

and he will churn up the low image he holds of me......

and spark a conversation to prove the same......

i am sure i will have a tough job......

i have lots to do.......

i have letters to dictate.......

i have some audits to start......

i can read up some articles to rescue me from darkness.....

and i can get ready for theatre........etc.....

letters are so boring......

audits need bubbly enthusiasm........

i am so low on my supply of bubbles......

and i am scared to go to theatre.......

i might get told off........though it is my special interest time......

but you see thats the environment.......

but its not all bad.......

its quite good here.......

in fact......if i quit this cloaked public moaning and did some jobs.......

i might find that it is all good......

and here i go on the 'blame yourself' road.......

but its always therapeutic to write here.......

i feel energized again......

and i want to do all those yuck jobs......because you need the salt to appreciate the sweet....

so......i will get back......to work.......do something they are paying me shitloads for......

i can see my star rising.....

my royal highness

there is no place like a blog to write on when you are fustrated

nobody can see you, yet you get the feeling that everyone has seen you.........no one can hear you.......yet you get thefeeling that everyone has heard......

its just fantastic.....a miracle of the spafce age.......

i suffer from a personality disorder......

people who suffer from psychiatric or psychological disorders are of two kind.....

one are those who have no insight........

which means they dont know they are unwell........and they dont admit it......

other are those who have insight..........they know they have a problem.......

i thin it is better to have insight than not.......

if you know you are unwell.......yo might someday want to do something about it......isnt it?

it has been very difficult for me........

i am very enthusiastic.........about everything..........here is my list.....

i am very enthusiastic about obstetrics and gynaecology......

about astronomy

about music.....roger waters......jethro tull.....king crimson......yes........this sublist is very long....

about judge dredd, calvin and hobbes.....family guy.....that sublist is endless......

about technology......

about video games......

about food......

about desserts.....

about sketching and drwawi ng....

about llove and relationships.....

and friends.....

about surgery......

about adventure sports.....

about fashion......

about relieving poverty......disease....

about helping my patients......

about my family......

about ebay.....

about learning to play an instrument......and dance properly.....

about being healthy......

about making a contribution.......

about taking humanity somewhere........

about peace.........

about optimism and happiness......

in fact come to think of it......this list is potentially very long too.......

all of this enthusiasm circulates in me 24- 7.......

i am constantly bubbling with enthusiasm........

i am also trying my level best to do something in either of these fields at every given moment of my life........

which makes my life very fulfilling........

fortunately providence has given me the opportinuty to do everything i wanted........in some respect or another.....

so everyday..........this journey of life brings more joy........more challanges.......and an eventual sense of accomplishment.......

that feeds my enthussiasm even more.........

and we enter a circle where i have a constant supply of positive energy........

i feel like a force.......on this journey of life.......and enjoying every moment of it....

i think i was very lucky......

my parents and teachers were great.......

they formulated my outlook.........and infused me with the confidence to feel like i do......

they shaped my personality......into something noticeable..........i am coming to it now.....

so in the end.........what we have a a 6.9 /10 guy on looks.....

i speak quite well i think.......

and though i know very little, what i know is concrete......

and while my powers of intelligence and memorization are just about average if not below average........i compensate a little by working harder.........

working in the white mans land has given me tips on a very good work ethic..........so i am not as good as the average white man yet...........but i am working towards it..........and i hope i have shaken off some of the melanin associated inertia of rest........

now here is the hard bit.........i think i am good to acknoeledge it.........and many will agree with me.....

i am an overconfident......careless......self concieted.....average joe......

thats quite a sad picture....to be honest.....if its true.......i am shit......

considering that i have a high opinion of myself........its pathetic....

what it does show is that i hve insight......

so i can maybe.........once it does turn out to be a proven truth......do something about it......

but there are other things that come with it........which i am not responsible for......

my oratory prowess.........backed by my enthusiasm.......backed by my (over)confidence.......gives people the impression that i am very experienced............this especially relates to my job.........perhaps in other spheres as well........

people get the impression that 'he knows a lot'........

in fact........i know nothing......i do try to read and keep it all in my head..........but i dont come from a very intelligent stock..........so my memory is not very sharp..........and i actually know nothing......

i am very good with my hands.......i am very confident about my surgery......maybe thats where people wrongly interpret that i am good at everything else too......

i am encased in a 31 year old body..........and i am still a senior house officer......so maybe i am a bit advanced in my years......for the level i am at.......maybe that adds to the impression......

and i have to stay.......i think it is harmful.......maybe not harmful........but not useful either......

people get disappointed in me.........and i dont kow how to prevent it.........

i cant do much about my personality.........i dont think i want to.......

i dont want to ebb my enthusiasm................i dont feel gifted.........but i do feel like i am going to be doing something big someday........does everyone feel like that........its something you see in the films all the time.......so i suppose everyone thinks like that.......

but only a handful get to be someone.........

like my roommate used to say when he used to be drunk........'dad told me.......do something, be someone'........

i dont have a mad desire to be dramatically famous or something........

if in the end i run a hospital in remote africa and help the people and make children happy is some small village..........i will take that as my 'being someone'...........but i dont want to die like a drone........i am not drone meterial......

it is so therapeutic to write this blog.......

i am not sure that i will be an improved version of myself after this electronic pill........but it does make me feel better doctor.........

i will see how i evolve......in the grand scheme of things.........i am just a minute speck......in the life of the observable universe........i am just a fraction of a blink........so even if i attach a lot of importance to myself.......it is only a blip on the screen.......

look at life from the perspective of a sheep........everything is planned......eat drink sleep get sheared eat drink sleep get sheared and so on..............but if there is a sheep that wants to stay up all night and look at the stars...........and then doesnt want to get sheared......wants to step outside the fence........i dont think that would be cool with other sheep.....or with the shepherd..........and suppose the sheep is wrong.........there is nothing in the stars........not getting sheared is worse because of summer.......and there is lethal traffic outside the fence..............then the sheep can go back to sheepworld........if it doesnt get killed in its adventures............and be ridiculed and laughed at..........but i think the sheep would feel good.........at having at least tested what was there.........tried its belief...............i think its not wrong to be wrong...............its wrong to live in doubt........not all truths are discernable........in fact there are probably no 'truths'........everything is relative.......

i think ill go and have a drink.........

this was fun........will try it again.....

toddling

i was quite ugly when i was born.....
i have seen my pictures......my gran holding me....
my problem was that i was skinny...
skinny babies are always ugly.....
mums brother came to see me.......when i was born.......excited and all.....
but then he went to mom and said i was so ugly that he didnt even feel like picking me up and giving me a cuddle or anything......
but i quickly gained weight.......freaked out on my mums milk and all......
so i was quite rolly polly in a couple of months....
an interesting thing happenned when i was a kid.....
my gran was living with us at that time.....
a son is a prized posession and all........so my gran........my mums mother in law..........was always concerned about me........
and she would nag my mum to persistently feed me......
such was the cold war beteeen them, that my mum used to get fed up and not feed me well enought on purpose in retaliation.......
obviously not to the degree to starve me and all.........she loves me to bits.......but there would be occasions when i would cry and she would feed me a little bit because the nagging irritated her......
so i was persistently hungry......
i think that the centre of satiety in my brain never got satisfied.....
and to this day.......i am starved....
no matter how much i eat......i just cant get enough......
oh how boring.........but this was essential.....so we can go on to what happenned next.....

conception

maybe i want everybody to listen...

more importantly perhaps.....

i just want to keep my sanity....

life is good today......

i dont want to get used to it......

so i must write......

otherwise........

concieted as i am.......

i will forget everything......

and i will be left with nohting to give....

i cant help feel ashamed at this cheap way of seeking glory....

at this second rate attempt at realising my destiny.....

redemption will come itself.....

i dont like being so apologetic all the time.....

i must write from the beginning......and i must keep writing....

i am an amazing mix of chemicals....

i am refined machine working in multiple dimensions.....

i was created before my creation......

the amazing thing is that this is story of each one of us....

only that we have never seen ourselves this way.....

my mother was in my nannys womb.....

she must have been only 12 weeks old........

feeding off fluids in my nannys womb....

it was the year 1965.....ish....

she was forming her organs........

a process perfected by three and a half million years of evolution....

these molecules........coming together and splitting apart.....

in a sacred dance of creation......

as my mother was being formed......

and because she was a female......she was being implanted with her supply of eggs.....

that was when i was created

or a part of me at least.....

out of a collection of a few million eggs that were gifted....

i was one of those cells......and i lay in that clump....

the millions were reduced to thousands......

and that mix of chemicals called me survived......

and my mum was born.....

that was when i froze......

and then i lay frozen untill my mum turned from a girl to a woman......

there were only 500 eggs left by then......

one of them was me......

and perhaps my sister was there close by.........

or maybe she was in the other ovary....

cant remember clearly now....

and then one day.....

i was asked to leave.....

and then the rest of the eventsare easy to imagine...

if you see enough tv

luckily.....

i met my other half then.......

good timing....

otherwise i would have just been flushed away.....

like the unfortunate 498 eggs that didnt make it....

so thanks to some turn of desire in my parents.....

and to mmy dad for then other half.....

i was whole......

the amazing mix

had come together......

i was ready to implant myself.......

and multiply....

and as far as hinduism goes.....

life in me began the day i was concieved.....

i built myself over nine months....

this is my concieted self reflecting itself......

then i was born....

my mum was 20 ......ish....

in gangtok.....

they say the clouds were inside the house all the time....

at that altitude.....

i have never gone back.....

i must ......one day.....

sikkim had ceded itself to the government of india.....

so mama tells me.....

the hospitals were quite good.....

the bacteria that colonize your gut are the ones you get from the midwife who delivers you.....

she is the first one close to you.....

and she is the one who breathes over you......

and you get your supply of those important bacteria....

who then settle down inside your gut.....

and stay there all your life.....

they digest all your food.....

and......yes........they help you make shit......

sounds shit........crucial nevertheless.....

they also are responsible for your farting tendency....

which i seem to have a lot of......

so this midwife........is the i have to thank .....

for making those around me suffer.....

only on occasion though......

life is a marvel....

lest i forget....