We believe

So this guy sits down.....

 electric chair and all..... 

hard wooden chair....

 the kind that at an antique shop would be called to have character....

and this one surely did have it...

all edges rounded with use....

wit almost a polish on the arms....

maybe it was the struggle each time....

maybe thats what did it...

all this premature maturity....

this advanced ageing....

this oldish look to a chair that was relatively new in chair-years....

it shows what purpose brings to any single dimensioned thing....

In our minds we are all innocent...

even the most evil person will have a reason....

that reason will be a convoluted justification....

that will provide an innocence...

and perhaps with it an escape into the stream of life....

then the dazed electric connections of neurons will take over....

reform your identity...

devise a strategy and revitalise your soul...

and we think we know everything...

Then he tried to talk to his chair....

a mental marathon of words...

'the crowds going wild'....

a deluded audience watching a disguised hole....

these are the times.....

when you are your only saviour...

and you want to settle down into a dream....

your last belief in a parallel world...

where everything really is fine....

hope is dying...

dying is hope....

this nauseating paradox....

Nothing changed...

the chair steadily gathered character...

no cracks in the wall appeared....

no light came shining through...

all the other dimensions collapsed into this one....

this became the new reality....

the new truth...

for now...

or so we believe...

What does a speck of dust fear most?

I am the Alpha

i dont recognise anything or anyone else

i am the number one

there is no one wiser than me

i am superman, batman, spiderman all rolled into one

there is no limit to my power

my reach is infinite

i am the homo sapien sapien sapien

i am the x man

i am the next step

i can feel everything

i am godmode

that is who i am, will be, forever.

Kyne's small hands rested on my arm as I hugged him to sleep. I felt him twitch as he descended into REM sleep, slowly. He was crouched under me, like a baby kangaroo, in my pouch. I could feel his heart beat within his chest in my palm. I could feel him breathe, every breath, as he was entering his dreamworld, colourful, full of imaginative funny beings talking baby-talk...

i didnt want to let go.... but i had done my job... he was asleep... it was time to get up and do some mundane task to continue living...

but they are leaving day after tomorrow....

What does a speck of dust fear most?

it fears being a speck of dust

me, the ever strong, the all powerful, the unkillable...

felt like a speck of dust...

all my magnitude...

dissolved into a singularity....

in the embrace of a two-year-old....

David made Goliath...

I am still who i am...

as enormous as i am...

but i am a composition....

the best, most unique song ever,

but made of many notes and pauses....

Heisenberg's Uncertainty is the Principle

  

On Uzbeks

Uzbeks came a slight surprise to me......
i thought i was going abroad........
abroad to me emant caucasians........as they do to most people living in the warped reality of the third world.......
so when i came out of the airport at tashkent........and was driven to the hostel..........all i saw on the streets were the uzbeks.....
the plan was for me to stay there for 6 years and finish my medicine.......
the city was good.....clean..........but the uzbeks were almost a disappointment.......just because i wasnt expecting them there.......
and it is so easy.......as i sit and think in retrospect now..........to project your misery on an unsuspecting population......whats even more revolting is that the cause of your own misery might be your own ignorance.......and your inability to read about the people and place before you go there......

something that in my later years highly appreciated the russians to be endowed with..........so well read and well aware were the russians of most parts of the world........possibly a result of the communist upbringing and all that........

anyhow.....to get back to tashkent......so there i was........taken to the hostel and dumped there.........for a few days........while my admission got sorted......into the language course and all that......

i distinctly remember being given the room 811........small.......with a funny bathroom with a small square 'bathtub'........which was only ankle deep........no curtains around it.......so it couldnt be a shower........and it stood on high legs above the floor.........unlike a bathtub.......

its nice to go back all these years..........because.......now i realise......we lived there for a year.......and nover got down to solving what was the best way to use that bathtub...........there must have been a way.........that you were expected to shower in it......without spilling a drop........and still be comfy..........i mean i hope there must have been a way.......but i was amazingly so preoccupied with the life of the times........that i didnt think i needed to get to the bottom of this mystery..........then i think to me it must have been more like.......this is what i have got..........improvise and go on...........no time to pause and enquire into its history and make good use of it.........very military survival approach, i had, i suspect.......

i used to wear a turban then with all the regalia of being a sikh.......so i was easily noticed.....and next will be my experience with uzbek food.....

Tashkent airport

it was probably the airport.......clean and pristine.........and it was november when i went......

i was 18......turbaned, bearded, bespectacled, and the world was more eaceful than it was today.......

i had never been outside india, never been on a plane, never been to russia, never known russian, and certainly didnt have a medical degree.....

but i was going to tashkent......ex soviet union.......not russia really......mum was in tears.....dad was okay..........so much uncertainty........and little bit of fear.......much more for them then for me........

its always easier for the one who is leaving...........adrenaline rush.......the 'what going to happen' happenning.........those who get left behind are the ones who suffer........

same old house......same old routine......only one person less.......one life less.....one worry more....that part of the deal really sucks........

oblivious to all that depression,......buzzing with ecitement.........was me at the airport......all set to go......i had too much luggage.......books......noodles.....soaps........for the whole year!!!.......and it was 1994.....

i dont remember anything special about the flight.........it was only 2 hours...........i loved it.......it was awsome ..........the only one thing that puzzelled me was the blue button.....

like all boys filled with intrigue when you see any panel of buttons......there was abundance os such oppotrtunities on the plane.......everywhere there were these clusters of lights and buttons.....and obviously.....they have signs on them...........global village.......languanges dont work......

so i went to the toilet.....and there was a button for everything......if i were from a backward village in orissa.....i would have been overwhelmed by the leap in technology.......but coming from an upwardly mobile class........the buttons/latches were fascinating........

so i got it all.......the latch to the door....connected to the toilet lights......the flush worked by vacuum only with the seat was down........the tap, soap towel etc........all good......

but then there was the blue button.......square......shiny.....translucent.....rich blue..........and it had the face of a girl on it.......

like......the profile of a girl......the hair face and neck.......embossed onto the switch.......in white.......

very interesting.........i didnt dare press it........i couldnt imagine what it was for........and where there is ignorance........myth takes over.......so it had something to do with girls.......so i thought maybe something to do with girlie stuff.........and my knowledge of the female species was at best = microscopic........so maybe connected to the providence of sanitary towels......or other such things.....which i didnt know there were......but maybe there were.......and i just didnt know......

so i just resigned the blue button to a function i presumed i didnt need to know.....so i went back to my seat..........and then all through the flight........i saw the blue button in many places.........some blatantly obviously placed......

only after 2-3 flights did i realise that the girl symbol meant a flight attendant......but anyhow.........we reached tashkent.......and with this mystery in my mind.........i stepped on the tarmac at tashkent airport......

2017

nasa plans to have the next lunar manned mission by 2020
russians plan to do it by 2017
how exciting is that?

these lunar manned missions arent going to be just play around and click pictures to send to earth.....
its the real deal this time.....

this time......we are talking lunar colonies.....

we are going there to stay.....

the international space station will be the transit camp......

and from there......to the lunar base......
the aim is to harvest energy...... helium3 for instance...........for earth......

8 nyears to go.........i will be 40ish......

i hope they will need medics........my russian background will be useful......
i hope i make it......

8 years to ensure fitness,......but ti should be fun......

iraq and afghanistan.....their only purpose is to keep the economy running.....

we all know how useful war is.....
how civil companies get military contracts and manufacturing needs at a colossal scale.......

which brings employment.......and the monetry cycle continues to be in circulation.....

in fact.......if i were a world leader and i could convince my population to wage a war.......the best people to wage it on would be some kind of aliens......who you can neither communicate properly with.......nor completely understand.......

therefore you can continue with your war in blissful ignorance.......and it is difficult to challenge the illusions of right and wrong.......

like tarantino films........confuse the audience and get the money.....

so iraq and agstan are good coontenders.........so far removed from our reality......that fighting a war with them for them becomes so hopelessly tangled that you want to leave it to your politicians and hope they know what bthey are doing.........now i wonder.....

but so is life........the unemployment of the post 1st world war depression gave us people who were willig to go towar...........and some opportunist maniacs with powers of pursuation........

but the war was good.......it took care of the depression.........and growth after that was phenomenal.......war is so good sometimes.......

i wonder if the dying soldier in foriegn fields these dsays realises all the complexities resulting in his sad demise.........

i think those times are gone when you fought for your king, flag and country......when death came in combat and you embraced and were hailed a hero.......

now you would die confused........i would die confused.......wondering if it was worth it.......i think that the only rationale behind enlisting these days would be the regular pay..........how it sucks.....

schindlers list was quite moving......
the most moving thing is how easily we can go along with the most unimaginable brutality only if we are given a cause delivered with enough force.....
the kids throwing stones at jews and all that.......
it probably still happens somewhere.....between some people.....
under a differrent name......
for a differrent rreason......
but human nature is so susceptible to hate......
all it needs is a little spark......and a convincing argument......
and thats all it takes......
roger waters rightly calls ourselves sheep.....
amd in that respect........in his i-hate-everybody stance..........i have less dislike for the dogs and the pigs from his album animals.......
because at least the dogs and the pigs are following an agenda........the sheep have to blamed for their inactivity.........i find that most repulsive.....
but on the other hand.......majority people are like that......
and if we think democratically..........and also statistically........being a sheep would be the norm......
ugh.......what a depressing deduction........

unfortunately.........insight and thought........are probably the most underused human resource.....
of the 7 billion population.......i think only 10% do any real thinking that influences decisions.......
i am persistently faced with the perplexing notion......that is it even reasonable to expect all of humanity to haveopinions on most things??

when i was in russia.......i was actually impressed by the intellectually rich populace in general......you could meet a carpenter who knew a lot about the world and arts and sciences......

i found the same story in sweden........perhaps to an increased degree if anything.....

but the new generation is always worrying......

at 30 something......like a typical aging bastard.......i am slowly dissociating myselg with the young generation i have belonged to so far........
and settelling into the comfortable seat of a mature garbag who is always grumpy and discontent at everyhting......

anyhow.......i dont think india with all its burden of population comes even close to the level of intellect you find reasonably dispersed within its people.......

and i dont think that its because of the people themselves........its the circumstance........poverty feeds on prosperity.........
i have been there.........from struggling between a handful of money to remaining honest and being happy..........very difficult goals to meet........while i still strove and suceeded to keep my intellectual reserves perfused in provocative thinking.........i could only do that because i had been primed to do that over the years as i grew......

to expect the same of every other individual is unfair........
so how could have thomas jefferson have been right?
when he said that you can not make decisions for your fellow citizens.........if you think they are not capable of doing so..........it is wrong to make their decision for them.,.......but its your duty to provide them with the knowledge and ability to make that decision.......

contradiction ........

idiot prayer

its not asy being at the height of your creative potential
especially if you believe yourself to write better than you actually do.....
but i have been awake now for......almost 36 hours.........i have slept 2 hours in between.....but still........at thirty something, i can claim to be tired.....
the night was good.......
it might seem that my satisfaction feeds on other peoples sufferring......
but its not that way.....
its actually the satisfaction of relieving someones misery that makes the night good......

but the high point is that i dont sleep anymore at nights.....
i take it as work...........
2 years ago in a similar situation, i used to try to save the day by getting 4 hours of sleep on a night shift.....
and my loyalty got divided........

not any more.........i will be starting a reg post in august.......
i have got to make the mark........
dr m ali has some faith in me..........that is very rewarding.....
she can go up and leave me to handle the labour ward........
i enjoy that........
i dont know when i will do a minor blunder and break her illusion of my capabilities.......for that is the environment around me in this useless place.......

let me add natasha here.......as we sit in this little house in colchester court......
i am on the carpet........she is on the sofa........
i am writing this blog............so that in 20 years.......i can read these frustrations and laugh..........mostly at my impatience.......
natasha ......on the other hand...........is concerned with more immediate issues.......
she is vigourously searching for an ideal home........
incessantly over the last few weeks.........
coming up weith suggestions.......booking appointments.......doing viewings........
and then one of us rejects them......
but her spirit is unrelenting..........she is so good......

and in her zeal.......she is forcing me to agree to a house which has only one toilet.......
how can i do that..........
amy has inherited my bowel........
and the suddenness with which it goes in to motion........
how can we just have one toilet........and then we have guests.......
it just wouldnt work........
but natasha want a house........and quick........
she feels the sands of time.........slipping through her fingers........
and i love her..........so if she keeps asking me.......i might give in.........and then for the next many years be confined to one toilet.......

but she is sparky........now that i ahve explained this point to her.......i dont think she will keep on......

so there we are with our house hunt......we are listening to oldies.......so it sets the mood quite well.........
and its 11........we ought to go to bed.........
this sleep deprivation is not good for me.......

i did 2 manual removals........
it was cool......
my surgucal skills are awsome.....
it was 6 am........and i was cool as a cucumber......
if there was music......i could have sung to it......
how i enjoy thee surgical procedures........
the big thing is that i believe i am almost the best......
i dont as much as i do in what i write........in fact.......i think my writing is very mediocre.........almost nauseatingly banal......with occasional conscious efforts of gleaming creativity which stand out among the muck.......and give the false impression that all is good......

but my sirgery.........is a differrent ball game..........even in this infancy of my career........i can see the hidden brilliance awaiting recognition.........haha..........sadly..........such opportunities might tno come...............in todays world............exceptional talents might get shadowed by the life machine......firstly i am not an established exceptional yet.........and when i do........if i do........i have to sieze the lightening when it cracks down from the clouds.........

this thing that i wanted to invent for ovarian laparoscopic surgery........i wrote to the company thast makes instruments.......saying i have in idea.........no one replied.......

but while i was writing..........my mind went to a parellel universe where an agent from the company came to see me.......i explained the idea.........he assured me progress.......came back with a prototype.......and i perfected it a little.........and eventually.....patented the intrument on my name...........and got royalties for it each time a hospital bought it...........

and then when i went for my interview next year.........they said they are giving me a number even before i sit for the interview........and that i was an asset to wales.........and there was a university get together .........where i basked in the glory of my achievement..........

i keep making trips to these parellel universes.......where i am big........what a narcissistic personality..........its toxic.........if i were not as funny as i am.........i think people would find me deplorable.........but in reality i am very affable......

its a real quest for me...........to find out if i will ever reach as far as i believe i will reach........
life is such an interesting thing.........there is so little time........ i hope death is just a cheap joke they play...........perhaps like the matrix or something..........or maybe we live in a world like the truman show........on a global scale........everybody is innocent.......and the real story is outside the bounds of earthly perception........

carry that thought one more step and we are verging on theology.........and faith and all the higher power dogma........

naaah.......i dont like that.........i like that territory and the scientific territory...........i dont like when the two start to merge.......and the boundries get faint.........and you are forced to think that their margins might overlap..........

these keyboards are amazing things.........
espite my best efforts over the last ten years............my touch typing speed is about 10 mmmmmmaybe 20 words per minute.....
so i have to look at it when i type..........
but the fluency with which a simple keyboard can give tangible shape to your smoky thoughts is amazing............like some notion that you carry in your mind gets converted into neat little words with letters which have finite shape..........which you can print and hold...........
the whole transformation is amazing........

as someone had said........any sufficiently advanced science is indistinguishable from magic.......

and on that note........we'll bid you adieu.......but if what they say around here is true........then well meet again...........me and you