toddling

i was quite ugly when i was born.....
i have seen my pictures......my gran holding me....
my problem was that i was skinny...
skinny babies are always ugly.....
mums brother came to see me.......when i was born.......excited and all.....
but then he went to mom and said i was so ugly that he didnt even feel like picking me up and giving me a cuddle or anything......
but i quickly gained weight.......freaked out on my mums milk and all......
so i was quite rolly polly in a couple of months....
an interesting thing happenned when i was a kid.....
my gran was living with us at that time.....
a son is a prized posession and all........so my gran........my mums mother in law..........was always concerned about me........
and she would nag my mum to persistently feed me......
such was the cold war beteeen them, that my mum used to get fed up and not feed me well enought on purpose in retaliation.......
obviously not to the degree to starve me and all.........she loves me to bits.......but there would be occasions when i would cry and she would feed me a little bit because the nagging irritated her......
so i was persistently hungry......
i think that the centre of satiety in my brain never got satisfied.....
and to this day.......i am starved....
no matter how much i eat......i just cant get enough......
oh how boring.........but this was essential.....so we can go on to what happenned next.....

conception

maybe i want everybody to listen...

more importantly perhaps.....

i just want to keep my sanity....

life is good today......

i dont want to get used to it......

so i must write......

otherwise........

concieted as i am.......

i will forget everything......

and i will be left with nohting to give....

i cant help feel ashamed at this cheap way of seeking glory....

at this second rate attempt at realising my destiny.....

redemption will come itself.....

i dont like being so apologetic all the time.....

i must write from the beginning......and i must keep writing....

i am an amazing mix of chemicals....

i am refined machine working in multiple dimensions.....

i was created before my creation......

the amazing thing is that this is story of each one of us....

only that we have never seen ourselves this way.....

my mother was in my nannys womb.....

she must have been only 12 weeks old........

feeding off fluids in my nannys womb....

it was the year 1965.....ish....

she was forming her organs........

a process perfected by three and a half million years of evolution....

these molecules........coming together and splitting apart.....

in a sacred dance of creation......

as my mother was being formed......

and because she was a female......she was being implanted with her supply of eggs.....

that was when i was created

or a part of me at least.....

out of a collection of a few million eggs that were gifted....

i was one of those cells......and i lay in that clump....

the millions were reduced to thousands......

and that mix of chemicals called me survived......

and my mum was born.....

that was when i froze......

and then i lay frozen untill my mum turned from a girl to a woman......

there were only 500 eggs left by then......

one of them was me......

and perhaps my sister was there close by.........

or maybe she was in the other ovary....

cant remember clearly now....

and then one day.....

i was asked to leave.....

and then the rest of the eventsare easy to imagine...

if you see enough tv

luckily.....

i met my other half then.......

good timing....

otherwise i would have just been flushed away.....

like the unfortunate 498 eggs that didnt make it....

so thanks to some turn of desire in my parents.....

and to mmy dad for then other half.....

i was whole......

the amazing mix

had come together......

i was ready to implant myself.......

and multiply....

and as far as hinduism goes.....

life in me began the day i was concieved.....

i built myself over nine months....

this is my concieted self reflecting itself......

then i was born....

my mum was 20 ......ish....

in gangtok.....

they say the clouds were inside the house all the time....

at that altitude.....

i have never gone back.....

i must ......one day.....

sikkim had ceded itself to the government of india.....

so mama tells me.....

the hospitals were quite good.....

the bacteria that colonize your gut are the ones you get from the midwife who delivers you.....

she is the first one close to you.....

and she is the one who breathes over you......

and you get your supply of those important bacteria....

who then settle down inside your gut.....

and stay there all your life.....

they digest all your food.....

and......yes........they help you make shit......

sounds shit........crucial nevertheless.....

they also are responsible for your farting tendency....

which i seem to have a lot of......

so this midwife........is the i have to thank .....

for making those around me suffer.....

only on occasion though......

life is a marvel....

lest i forget....