there is no place like a blog to write on when you are fustrated
nobody can see you, yet you get the feeling that everyone has seen you.........no one can hear you.......yet you get thefeeling that everyone has heard......
its just fantastic.....a miracle of the spafce age.......
i suffer from a personality disorder......
people who suffer from psychiatric or psychological disorders are of two kind.....
one are those who have no insight........
which means they dont know they are unwell........and they dont admit it......
other are those who have insight..........they know they have a problem.......
i thin it is better to have insight than not.......
if you know you are unwell.......yo might someday want to do something about it......isnt it?
it has been very difficult for me........
i am very enthusiastic.........about everything..........here is my list.....
i am very enthusiastic about obstetrics and gynaecology......
about astronomy
about music.....roger waters......jethro tull.....king crimson......yes........this sublist is very long....
about judge dredd, calvin and hobbes.....family guy.....that sublist is endless......
about technology......
about video games......
about food......
about desserts.....
about sketching and drwawi ng....
about llove and relationships.....
and friends.....
about surgery......
about adventure sports.....
about fashion......
about relieving poverty......disease....
about helping my patients......
about my family......
about ebay.....
about learning to play an instrument......and dance properly.....
about being healthy......
about making a contribution.......
about taking humanity somewhere........
about peace.........
about optimism and happiness......
in fact come to think of it......this list is potentially very long too.......
all of this enthusiasm circulates in me 24- 7.......
i am constantly bubbling with enthusiasm........
i am also trying my level best to do something in either of these fields at every given moment of my life........
which makes my life very fulfilling........
fortunately providence has given me the opportinuty to do everything i wanted........in some respect or another.....
so everyday..........this journey of life brings more joy........more challanges.......and an eventual sense of accomplishment.......
that feeds my enthussiasm even more.........
and we enter a circle where i have a constant supply of positive energy........
i feel like a force.......on this journey of life.......and enjoying every moment of it....
i think i was very lucky......
my parents and teachers were great.......
they formulated my outlook.........and infused me with the confidence to feel like i do......
they shaped my personality......into something noticeable..........i am coming to it now.....
so in the end.........what we have a a 6.9 /10 guy on looks.....
i speak quite well i think.......
and though i know very little, what i know is concrete......
and while my powers of intelligence and memorization are just about average if not below average........i compensate a little by working harder.........
working in the white mans land has given me tips on a very good work ethic..........so i am not as good as the average white man yet...........but i am working towards it..........and i hope i have shaken off some of the melanin associated inertia of rest........
now here is the hard bit.........i think i am good to acknoeledge it.........and many will agree with me.....
i am an overconfident......careless......self concieted.....average joe......
thats quite a sad picture....to be honest.....if its true.......i am shit......
considering that i have a high opinion of myself........its pathetic....
what it does show is that i hve insight......
so i can maybe.........once it does turn out to be a proven truth......do something about it......
but there are other things that come with it........which i am not responsible for......
my oratory prowess.........backed by my enthusiasm.......backed by my (over)confidence.......gives people the impression that i am very experienced............this especially relates to my job.........perhaps in other spheres as well........
people get the impression that 'he knows a lot'........
in fact........i know nothing......i do try to read and keep it all in my head..........but i dont come from a very intelligent stock..........so my memory is not very sharp..........and i actually know nothing......
i am very good with my hands.......i am very confident about my surgery......maybe thats where people wrongly interpret that i am good at everything else too......
i am encased in a 31 year old body..........and i am still a senior house officer......so maybe i am a bit advanced in my years......for the level i am at.......maybe that adds to the impression......
and i have to stay.......i think it is harmful.......maybe not harmful........but not useful either......
people get disappointed in me.........and i dont kow how to prevent it.........
i cant do much about my personality.........i dont think i want to.......
i dont want to ebb my enthusiasm................i dont feel gifted.........but i do feel like i am going to be doing something big someday........does everyone feel like that........its something you see in the films all the time.......so i suppose everyone thinks like that.......
but only a handful get to be someone.........
like my roommate used to say when he used to be drunk........'dad told me.......do something, be someone'........
i dont have a mad desire to be dramatically famous or something........
if in the end i run a hospital in remote africa and help the people and make children happy is some small village..........i will take that as my 'being someone'...........but i dont want to die like a drone........i am not drone meterial......
it is so therapeutic to write this blog.......
i am not sure that i will be an improved version of myself after this electronic pill........but it does make me feel better doctor.........
i will see how i evolve......in the grand scheme of things.........i am just a minute speck......in the life of the observable universe........i am just a fraction of a blink........so even if i attach a lot of importance to myself.......it is only a blip on the screen.......
look at life from the perspective of a sheep........everything is planned......eat drink sleep get sheared eat drink sleep get sheared and so on..............but if there is a sheep that wants to stay up all night and look at the stars...........and then doesnt want to get sheared......wants to step outside the fence........i dont think that would be cool with other sheep.....or with the shepherd..........and suppose the sheep is wrong.........there is nothing in the stars........not getting sheared is worse because of summer.......and there is lethal traffic outside the fence..............then the sheep can go back to sheepworld........if it doesnt get killed in its adventures............and be ridiculed and laughed at..........but i think the sheep would feel good.........at having at least tested what was there.........tried its belief...............i think its not wrong to be wrong...............its wrong to live in doubt........not all truths are discernable........in fact there are probably no 'truths'........everything is relative.......
i think ill go and have a drink.........
this was fun........will try it again.....
