schindlers list was quite moving......
the most moving thing is how easily we can go along with the most unimaginable brutality only if we are given a cause delivered with enough force.....
the kids throwing stones at jews and all that.......
it probably still happens somewhere.....between some people.....
under a differrent name......
for a differrent rreason......
but human nature is so susceptible to hate......
all it needs is a little spark......and a convincing argument......
and thats all it takes......
roger waters rightly calls ourselves sheep.....
amd in that respect........in his i-hate-everybody stance..........i have less dislike for the dogs and the pigs from his album animals.......
because at least the dogs and the pigs are following an agenda........the sheep have to blamed for their inactivity.........i find that most repulsive.....
but on the other hand.......majority people are like that......
and if we think democratically..........and also statistically........being a sheep would be the norm......
ugh.......what a depressing deduction........

unfortunately.........insight and thought........are probably the most underused human resource.....
of the 7 billion population.......i think only 10% do any real thinking that influences decisions.......
i am persistently faced with the perplexing notion......that is it even reasonable to expect all of humanity to haveopinions on most things??

when i was in russia.......i was actually impressed by the intellectually rich populace in general......you could meet a carpenter who knew a lot about the world and arts and sciences......

i found the same story in sweden........perhaps to an increased degree if anything.....

but the new generation is always worrying......

at 30 something......like a typical aging bastard.......i am slowly dissociating myselg with the young generation i have belonged to so far........
and settelling into the comfortable seat of a mature garbag who is always grumpy and discontent at everyhting......

anyhow.......i dont think india with all its burden of population comes even close to the level of intellect you find reasonably dispersed within its people.......

and i dont think that its because of the people themselves........its the circumstance........poverty feeds on prosperity.........
i have been there.........from struggling between a handful of money to remaining honest and being happy..........very difficult goals to meet........while i still strove and suceeded to keep my intellectual reserves perfused in provocative thinking.........i could only do that because i had been primed to do that over the years as i grew......

to expect the same of every other individual is unfair........
so how could have thomas jefferson have been right?
when he said that you can not make decisions for your fellow citizens.........if you think they are not capable of doing so..........it is wrong to make their decision for them.,.......but its your duty to provide them with the knowledge and ability to make that decision.......

contradiction ........

idiot prayer

its not asy being at the height of your creative potential
especially if you believe yourself to write better than you actually do.....
but i have been awake now for......almost 36 hours.........i have slept 2 hours in between.....but still........at thirty something, i can claim to be tired.....
the night was good.......
it might seem that my satisfaction feeds on other peoples sufferring......
but its not that way.....
its actually the satisfaction of relieving someones misery that makes the night good......

but the high point is that i dont sleep anymore at nights.....
i take it as work...........
2 years ago in a similar situation, i used to try to save the day by getting 4 hours of sleep on a night shift.....
and my loyalty got divided........

not any more.........i will be starting a reg post in august.......
i have got to make the mark........
dr m ali has some faith in me..........that is very rewarding.....
she can go up and leave me to handle the labour ward........
i enjoy that........
i dont know when i will do a minor blunder and break her illusion of my capabilities.......for that is the environment around me in this useless place.......

let me add natasha here.......as we sit in this little house in colchester court......
i am on the carpet........she is on the sofa........
i am writing this blog............so that in 20 years.......i can read these frustrations and laugh..........mostly at my impatience.......
natasha ......on the other hand...........is concerned with more immediate issues.......
she is vigourously searching for an ideal home........
incessantly over the last few weeks.........
coming up weith suggestions.......booking appointments.......doing viewings........
and then one of us rejects them......
but her spirit is unrelenting..........she is so good......

and in her zeal.......she is forcing me to agree to a house which has only one toilet.......
how can i do that..........
amy has inherited my bowel........
and the suddenness with which it goes in to motion........
how can we just have one toilet........and then we have guests.......
it just wouldnt work........
but natasha want a house........and quick........
she feels the sands of time.........slipping through her fingers........
and i love her..........so if she keeps asking me.......i might give in.........and then for the next many years be confined to one toilet.......

but she is sparky........now that i ahve explained this point to her.......i dont think she will keep on......

so there we are with our house hunt......we are listening to oldies.......so it sets the mood quite well.........
and its 11........we ought to go to bed.........
this sleep deprivation is not good for me.......

i did 2 manual removals........
it was cool......
my surgucal skills are awsome.....
it was 6 am........and i was cool as a cucumber......
if there was music......i could have sung to it......
how i enjoy thee surgical procedures........
the big thing is that i believe i am almost the best......
i dont as much as i do in what i write........in fact.......i think my writing is very mediocre.........almost nauseatingly banal......with occasional conscious efforts of gleaming creativity which stand out among the muck.......and give the false impression that all is good......

but my sirgery.........is a differrent ball game..........even in this infancy of my career........i can see the hidden brilliance awaiting recognition.........haha..........sadly..........such opportunities might tno come...............in todays world............exceptional talents might get shadowed by the life machine......firstly i am not an established exceptional yet.........and when i do........if i do........i have to sieze the lightening when it cracks down from the clouds.........

this thing that i wanted to invent for ovarian laparoscopic surgery........i wrote to the company thast makes instruments.......saying i have in idea.........no one replied.......

but while i was writing..........my mind went to a parellel universe where an agent from the company came to see me.......i explained the idea.........he assured me progress.......came back with a prototype.......and i perfected it a little.........and eventually.....patented the intrument on my name...........and got royalties for it each time a hospital bought it...........

and then when i went for my interview next year.........they said they are giving me a number even before i sit for the interview........and that i was an asset to wales.........and there was a university get together .........where i basked in the glory of my achievement..........

i keep making trips to these parellel universes.......where i am big........what a narcissistic personality..........its toxic.........if i were not as funny as i am.........i think people would find me deplorable.........but in reality i am very affable......

its a real quest for me...........to find out if i will ever reach as far as i believe i will reach........
life is such an interesting thing.........there is so little time........ i hope death is just a cheap joke they play...........perhaps like the matrix or something..........or maybe we live in a world like the truman show........on a global scale........everybody is innocent.......and the real story is outside the bounds of earthly perception........

carry that thought one more step and we are verging on theology.........and faith and all the higher power dogma........

naaah.......i dont like that.........i like that territory and the scientific territory...........i dont like when the two start to merge.......and the boundries get faint.........and you are forced to think that their margins might overlap..........

these keyboards are amazing things.........
espite my best efforts over the last ten years............my touch typing speed is about 10 mmmmmmaybe 20 words per minute.....
so i have to look at it when i type..........
but the fluency with which a simple keyboard can give tangible shape to your smoky thoughts is amazing............like some notion that you carry in your mind gets converted into neat little words with letters which have finite shape..........which you can print and hold...........
the whole transformation is amazing........

as someone had said........any sufficiently advanced science is indistinguishable from magic.......

and on that note........we'll bid you adieu.......but if what they say around here is true........then well meet again...........me and you